Last night a dear friend and I dined and caught up. As I vulnerably told her about my /failed/ marriage and my /semi/ functional family, she asked, “Octavia. Are you alone?”
I paused. I chuckled.
“Yes.”
“You have the weight of the wor–how do you come skipping into church every week!?”
And yes, I do skip. And hop. And laugh. And smile.
And no, it is not fake.
I do have a lot to process. And I do feel like crumbling most days. But I don’t crumble. I’m strong. And I surprise myself how much everyday.
Part of my Road to Relovery includes accepting myself – every part of myself – spiritually, mentally, emotionally, and the hardest one, physically.
I’ve been shamed and teased about my body shape and even coached on how to hide the curves and how to learn to walk or sit or dress differnently so that I look “normal.”
Now I’m at a place where I don’t need external validation because I’ve validated myself.
But guess what…
Read this.
A Big Butt Is A Healthy Butt: Women With Big Butts Are Smarter And Healthier – ELITE DAILY
Sometimes it just feels so good when science tells you it’s all good.
……………………….
val·i·date
ˈvaləˌdāt/
verb
past tense: validated; past participle: validated
check or prove the validity or accuracy of (something).
“these estimates have been validated by periodic surveys”
demonstrate or support the truth or value of.
“in a healthy family a child’s feelings are validated”
synonyms: prove, substantiate, corroborate, verify, support, back up, bear out, lend force to, confirm, justify, vindicate, authenticate
“clinical trials now exist to validate this claim”
<<This is Octavia. Octavia can learn from her mistakes. Octavia doesn’t trust people that keep…messing up her happy vibe. Octavia can adapt. Octavia is smart. Be like Octavia.>>
What’s that saying about insanity being doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result?
That sounds awful. It’s like me going to the ATM over and over and expecting money will actually come out next time.
I remember having my mind blown in a psych class when our text broke down behavior and the ability to learn. Isn’t it amazing how quickly someone of sound mind can adapt? We’re not dumb!
You reach for that bright pretty warm thing and get burned. That hurt. Owie. I know you bet not grab a flame again! Even animals know this. They -we- are smart; we will remember the pain and never make that mistake twice. We are not insane; we don’t keep grabbing the fire until the fire stops being fire. We have memories.
My friend shared this and it hit me in my word-feels. So I had to share it.
There’s A Hole In My Sidewalk
(Autobiography in Five Chapters)
By Portia Nelson
(1) I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost … I am hopeless.
It isn’t my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.
(2) I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don’t see it.
I fall in again.
I can’t believe I’m in the same place.
But it isn’t my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.
(3) I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in … it’s a habit.
My eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.
(4) I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.
(5) I walk down another street.
And I had to share smart. Because I’m on a different path now. I’m never falling in that same hole again. And I’ll never fall in the same (differnent)hole more than once!
Hope you find your smart today and take a different street.
I HAVE NOT BEEN FERTILIZED. I just like the word. Sit down. Catch your breath. No. No child.
(Although truth be told if my life partner ever gets his reality together and realizes I’m his everything he ever wanted and he is ready to chose to love me unconditionally forever, I could TOTALLY have two more babies! But no, not today. Because he isn’t ready for me yet. I also don’t know who he is.)
Anyhoo. Pregnant.
preg·nant
/ˈpreɡnənt/
adjective
1.
(of a woman or female animal) having a child or young developing in the uterus.
“a pregnant woman”
synonyms: expecting a baby, expectant, carrying a child; More
2.
full of meaning; significant or suggestive.
“a pregnant pause”
synonyms: full of, filled with, charged with, heavy with, fraught with, replete with, rich in, abounding in…
This word was with me all day today but I waited until the end of the day for three specific reasons:
1. I fell asleep in a pile of laundry on my couch watching the new X Files last night. Truth. Body said, “nope.”
2. I woke up at 3am and feverishly tried to get myself together for a hectic Monday. Body was like, “eh ok, that was a good nap.”
3. Less time for you YES YOU to freak out and think I’m actually having someone’s child. I’ll be on Tuesday’s word before you get that far…ideally.
But yes. I’ve felt “pregnant” all day today. Again not physically – #beentheredonethat – but pregnant as like a pause…full, heavy, expecting…
I have creative “babies” within my spirit. They are incubating. Little fetuses of passions, thoughts, ideas, goals, dreams, callings, that are aching to be born. I feel like I’m in a metaphysical 39th week of gestation and I just need to pop these suckers out.
But I will wait. Because they will be birthed when they are ready. Ripe. Full term. And so for now I am simply…pregnant. With fulfilled dreams.
I LOVE how forgetful tends to be taken as a negative but dreamy is one of the synonyms and THAT can never be negative. So while I am forgetful today (because today’s word a day almost didn’t happen) I’m am also totally abstract and dreamy! And commuted. And dedicated! It is way to early in the year to slack now!
the semantic role of a noun phrase denoting something that is affected or acted upon by the action of a verb.
I misspelled this word in my 5th grade spelling bee. I’ll never forget it again.
I wanted to share this word earlier this week but I felt so overwhelmingly LOVED, I shared that word first. I patiently awaited the best time to share PATIENT. And so, in my best Rafiki voice from The Lion King,
It is time.
I saw this picture on facebook yesterday, which was breathtakingly relevant.
I used to pray for patience. I wanted to learn how to quietly and calmly wait. It is not an easy skill to learn. But I learned from the best. One of my godmothers taught me one of my first lessons in patience.
She showed me the beauty of shutting up – how simple it is to keep your mouth closed, when you so desperately want to put someone in their place.
She led by example in this too. “Aunt Marcy, why aren’t you talking?” I’d ask with a mischievous grin.
She would simply smile and shake her head.
As and adult I now know what this meant:
It’s better to say nothing at all than to rush into spewing words you cannot take back.
I also learned patience with others. This was an acquired lesson over time that I patiently pieced together from my own experiences:
Relationships cannot be rushed. Careers cannot be forced. We cannot change others, only our expectations of them…
And patience with myself: Instruments cannot be mastered in one sitting. Concertos cannot be perfected with cram-practicing. Watercolor masterpieces are muddied with haste. Binge studying is worthless in the end. Grieving the loss of a parent or the death of a relationship takes …t i m e
Friends, Rome was not built in a day. And nothing in nature blooms all year. Breathe deep. Calm your mind. Soit patient… whatever it is you desire most and wherever it is you want to be – these things will come to you when the time is right.
Complete Yourself 