Dating…with Children PART 2: The Childless Other Person

So, you’re smitten with a parent…but half of those kids’ chromosomes are not from you. Yikes.

Wait…

Not yikes! Shame on you! We’re awesome!

OK, no shame, really. It’s totally acceptable. In my opinion, any aversion to dating a single parent is just as superficial as being primarily attracted to a certain skin color or body type. And the stigma of single parenthood is just as archaic as Jim Crow laws. Unfortunately, the philosophies still prevail today; they simply lurk under different headings  <ahem bathroom & gender ahem> [don’t get me started]  or are introduced with false acceptance such as, I’m fine with it, BUT...

Save your big but.

Abstaining from single parents is simply your preference. It’s also something you can get over – if you want to. But the cool thing about dating is that you get to date who you want. So if you’re likely to avoid dating a parent, that’s OK. This article is not for you. You can also jump onto chats like these and connect with your fellow brethren.

Ok ok ok, maybe I’m a little bitter. But still. I’ve been burned. I’ll venture to average about 90% of men I’ve dated since my divorce that either went ghost or ended things because I’m a mom have come back, regretting their judgmental rush to rule me out. Well, as I’ve said before: 1. I’m awesome (along with many other single parents) and 2. I will not be back-burnered while you look for something better. Because when you come back feeling silly and want another try, this is what I’ll say: Nope.

And I might sing this song.

And I might make this face.

comeback

On the other hand, if you are brave enough to think about entering into a relationship with a single parent or if you are already in a relationship with a single parent, here are some things to consider:

  1. It’s OK to say you’re not ready. So, yes, you are head over heels for a single parent. Praise Baby J. But you’re terrified to meet the kids. What if they don’t like you? What if you don’t like them? What if they’re naughtier than you expected? What if xn?

Remember, you have a voice. If things are moving too fast for you, just speak up. Slow does not mean no. No means no. Asking to slow down isn’t rude or rejecting; it’s valid and healthy – especially for the kids. The same way kids deserve two happy and healthy parents, they deserve the happiest and healthiest version of YOU as the significant other. If you’re really with your Best Match, they’ll understand and respect your pace.

Asking to slow down isn’t rude or rejecting; it’s valid and healthy – especially for the kids.

  1. Acknowledge what you’re in for. I’m reading this incredible book right now called Everybody’s Normal Till You Get to Know Them by John Ortnberg. A section in the very beginning stood out to me and will stay with me forever:

A friend of mine was ordering breakfast during a recent trip in the South. He saw grits on the menu, and being a Dutchman who spent most of his life in Michigan, he had never been very clear on the nature of this item. So he asked the waitress, “What exactly is a grit?”

Her response was a classic. “Honey,” she said (in the South, waitresses are required by law to address all customers as “honey”), “Honey, they don’t come by themselves.”

Grits don’t exist in isolation. No grit is an island, entire unto itself. Every grit is a part of the mainland, a piece of the whole. You can’t order a single grit. They’re a package deal.

“Call it a clan, call it a tribe, call it a network, call it a family,” says Jane Howard. “Whatever you call it, whoever you are, you need one.” It is not good for man to be alone. Dallas Willard says, “The natural condition of life for human beings is reciprocal rootedness in others.” Honey, you don’t come by yourself.

 

None of us come by ourselves. Even if you’re an anti-single-parent dater, you still have to deal with your lover’s mother(s), father(s), sisters, brothers, grandparents, aunts, uncles, godparents, cousins, best friends, work friends, kinda-friends, dogs, cats, lizards, fish…germs. Everyone comes with an arsenal of people and connections and microorganisms that you’re going to have to navigate anyway. So kids aren’t going to be that much more added to the circus for which you’ve already bought non-refundable tickets.

Kids are a lot of work. They’re needy. They’re loud. They’re rude. They’re dirty. They’re messy. But they’re also hilarious. Compassionate. Honest. Adorable. Gentle. Affectionate. And they’ll teach you more about life than any fancy professor with a ton of letters after their name. You’ll feel drained, overwhelmed, terrified, uncertain, and you’ll probably doubt your decision at least three times a day.

But children are, unfortunately (or fortunately?), temporary; just like any season, phase, and quite frankly, all of life. So enjoy the ride. Savor the moments. Take pictures. Smell the rain. Remember how tiny their hands are in yours. Remember how soft their fingertips are as they touch your face. Remember that joyful giggle.

As I mentioned in PART 1, the kids will grow up, move out, chase their own dreams and start their own families. At the end of the day, you’ve just completed one of the grandest adventures with your Best Match and Life Partner. Isn’t it amazing what you two can accomplish together? It will be worth it.

Remember how tiny their hands are in yours. Remember how soft their fingertips are as they touch your face. Remember that joyful giggle.

  1. Remember what we’re NOT. Single parents are not charity cases. We don’t want your pity. We don’t want favors. We are strong, resilient and dedicated. We are fierce and driven. We’re survivors. We don’t need you to be our hero because we’ve already become our own heroes –for ourselves and for our children. Please don’t date us thinking we need you or that karma is going to come rain goodies on you because you’ve taken in what others have kicked out. Remember that we’re just souls hoping for passionate unconditional human love like any other single person. If you think you’re doing some noble deed by dating a single parent, please leave us alone.

Remember that we’re just souls hoping for passionate unconditional human love like any other single person.

  1. Know your role and know your value. You are engaging in a partnership with someone that could be – or is – your Best Match. Your role in their life and family is their Best Match. You are not a substitute parent (and PLEASE don’t even entertain the temptation to compete with or one-up the other parent). You are not a babysitter. You are not a disciplinarian. If you feel a lot of pressure to fill roles outside of significant other, speak up. Of course, joining in a lasting partnership involves sharing some responsibilities, but take a step back and consider how your presence lands in the kids’ world. It’s better to slow down and limit your time with the kids than to impose and confuse them. Remember that your presence might make them feel guilty; like they’re cheating on their other parent by enjoying your company. More on the kids point of view in Part 3…

Your role to the children varies, depending on their age and developmental stage when you enter the scene, but you are always meaningful. As your relationship with the kids grows, you can be a huge asset – especially to older children. For teens in particular, you might be their preferred adult confidant and listening ear; they might open up to you more than they would their biological parent, trusting that you will guide them without shaming them. You can be a very powerful positive influence for them when they need a consistent and reliable presence the most; something really meaningful, filling a unique space between friend and parent.

Joining in a lasting partnership involves sharing some responsibilities, but take a step back and consider how your presence lands in the kids’ world.

  1. Communicate – comfort level and expectations. I personally hold to the One Year Rule. When you have kids and you’re dissolving a marriage in the state of Illinois, you’re required to take an online course and pass an exam on successful co-parenting. It was actually very practical! (High Five, State of IL!) When it comes to significant others, the course recommends the One Year Rule; that you and your significant other have been consistently and officially dating for at least one year before making introductions to the kids. This is to protect the children – from confusion, from having too many inconsistent people coming in and out of their home, from getting attached and then getting heartbroken when you break up, from setting their relationship norm to a standard of “shallow” and “temporary,” and so forth.

If one year is too long – or not long enough – speak up. As I mentioned in another article on starting a relationship off right, holding back your fears or reservations only plants seeds of resentment. Communication is the foundation to any relationship, no matter how intimate or minuscule. So speak up. Discuss. If you’re not comfortable sleeping over, say so. If you don’t want to watch the kids, don’t. If you’re not ready to be alone with the children, let it be known! Your successful and loving relationship with your significant other’s kids revolves around you being comfortable enough to be your Best Self. Those adorable kids deserve to receive the best version of you when you’re together.

At the end of the day, you’ve just completed one of the grandest adventures with your Best Match and Life Partner. Isn’t it amazing what you two can accomplish together?

So talk about the big things with your partner and check in to make sure you’re still on the same page. Coordinate schedules, make sure you have date nights, make sure your interactions with the kiddies are balanced – neither imposing nor scant – and if the other parent is in the picture, you’d better figure out how to cooperate with them, too! Grits, man. Amirite?

 

Check back soon for PART 3: The Kids.

~OR

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random reflection…

I just had a fantastic holiday performance with my orchestra CMSO at St. Raph’s in Naperville.

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And thanks to an incredibly supportive and selfless dear friend, my three boys were able to catch the “holiday pops” end of the show. They loved it. They were so thrilled to not only attend their first orchestra concert but watch their mommy up on stage. They recognized the pieces from The Nutcracker, The Polar Express score and tons of other holiday favorites. And they watched other children their ages perform too.
And then I thought…I’m a performer. I love being on stage. I love having family and friends in the audience. I love it. Love it!
And then I realized how long it had been since family or friends actually came to my shows…
So here’s the thought: if you’re a performer and your significant other expresses zero interest in watching you do your thing, just sit with that for a minute and ask why. Yes, invite him or her. Let them know their presence is welcomed and appreciated. But honestly, you shouldn’t have to. Do they need to be pageant mom front and center of every show? No. In fact, that’d be creepy. But it should be second nature for someone that truly cares for you to want to show you that by supporting your passions.

And if your significant other is a performer, support them. Show up. Being flowers. And then give him or her a big fat kiss.

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Support the arts.

~OR

holy minor-scale viral

Wow friends. I’m floored. I’m flattered.

And I have to say, the outpouring of love, support and empathy on this here R2R we’re taking together is simply overwhelming. In just a few hours after posting a link to the pilot webisode, you — yawl out deah — have elevated and inspired all my hopes and dreams.

But it’s not just your support. It’s those of you that are actually ON this path with me. I mean, we all have issues, and we all are often healing from something, but to those of you that have opened up to me about your own failed and failing relationships, be empowered. Be strong. Yes, it is isolating. Yes, it is crushing. But, yes, one day you will feel normal again. Trust me. Be true to yourself and do what you know is healthy for YOU. Just keep swimming.

So yes, 320 visitors in a few short hours. I feel like I won a title or something.

((pageant tears)) ((fans face)) ((world peace))

Thank you.

crowning
Octavia Reese Miss Michigan 2005 photo cred: Brooke Brennan

 

~OR

i just got dumped

Ok, I didn’t just get dumped. We were never really together. And by together, I mean… “exclusive.” I hate that word. It’s almost as grody as moist or panties ((shudder)) …but we had been texting daily and seeing each other at least once – usually twice – a week for nearly two months. I’ll spare the details. But it went something like this:

Him — kinda hints at being serious

Me — kinda looks like deer in headlights

+several weeks of fantastic dates later+

Me — kinda hints at being serious

Him — ((crickets))

And we never speak again.

No exceptions.
No exceptions.

The woman thing to do? Let’s look at three common reactions:

Option A: WHY DON’T YOU LIKE ME ANYMORE?! WHAT DID I DO?! PLEASE TALK TO ME! ((ugly cries, shovels ice cream in mouth))

(I might have done A)

Option B: Meh. Many fish. Next. ((throws the bird, lights cigarette))

Option C: I’m an artist with an outlet and I’m going to release my pain through my  medium! ((sleepless nights, manic episodes, platinum album))

(I’m now doing C)

I’m a writer. A performer. A dreamer. A dancer. A cellist. A thinker. (More about me some other day.)

For years, I’ve had this pressure on my heart to help people. Especially women. Especially women that are constantly shifting themselves to make someone else happy. We are naturally servers — not servANTS — but servers. We love to love on others. We love to make the people we love smile. That’s why we’re moms. We’re good at taking care of everyone else. But sometimes, that comes with a price. We can lose ourselves in shallow, abusive, or controlling relationships and not even notice until our true callings have been all but erased.

My marriage of almost 8 years nearly snuffed my passion (that story is for another day, too), but my inner voice grew stronger and stronger from the moment I moved out. And now, a year later, that voice has a name.

*Cue Road to Relovery Theme Song 

So, ex-husband and ex-not-really-boyfriend, thanks for the inspiration.

*Cue Taylor Swift break up face

~OR

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