Published by Octavia Reese
Octavia thrives at a multidisciplinary intersection; a writer, author, artist, cellist, dancer, fixer, mentor, mediator and mother, Octavia has an insatiable curiosity and passion for stories and is always ready for an adventure. In addition to writing sci-fi fantasy with brown-skinned female leads, Octavia is also the founder of Tavinda Media, a network of authors and podcasters. Octavia also maintains www.roadtorelovery.com a blog about relationships to inspire followers, especially women, to rediscover their calling, rebound after an unexpected emotional trauma, and help them find the place where their light shines brightest. Learn more about Octavia at www.octaviareese.com.
View all posts by Octavia Reese
Saw your blog, and wanted to share my story- the story I have shared for a little bit now. Was hoping to just email you, and see if you found anything to share, but I couldn’t find an email. No worries. Not sharing who I am anyways!
My story of why I am done with online dating.
I’ve used online dating over the past few years. Had a “long-term” relationship, a few 3 to 4 month dating situations, some “flings”, and many one and two date meetings.
I find it sort of ironic. I hear single women say “all the good men are either taken or gay.” That’s strange. Myself and some other “good men” say something similar about women. So what’s the problem? Are all these single folk actually the left-overs once the turkey has been picked of all its best meat?
I like to think it’s not so. I account it more to the dating habits many of us online daters have developed. Here’s just a sample.
After that I dating here there, one date here, two dates there, I met the woman I would later develop a longer-term relationship with. However, as what I have found is mostly the normal in most online dating – the relationship developed while I was, and I presume her as well, also dating others. However, not only dating, but also sleeping with. It was sometime before we had a conversation to determine who we are, and what we were to each other. I will not claim that there was no fun in this, however I will say that something felt wrong about it. It felt wrong to have more than one sexual partner. One thing that I think happens more often when people date online – you probably have no other connection with each other so if you mess up you won’t harm other parts of your life.
And this why I am done with online dating. I think many of us, good men and women, do things that we wouldn’t normally do. Back in high school and college we, at least the honest ones, wouldn’t “date” multiple people at once, and most certainly wouldn’t sleep with multiple people at once (well we would, but we wouldn’t be dating as well.) And our parents? Who met a work or through mutual friends. They didn’t do this. So Why do we?
I think it’s because there is an accountability. If your life is somewhat public, no one is going to date someone that is dating 2 other people.
So why do we go crazy as adults nowadays? How mature are we? Don’t get me wrong, I don’t see anything wrong with going on a date or two with numerous people, but what about when we have a couple interesting people… why do we continue to date multiple people, when most likely if our life was more public we most certainly would not?
This is why online dating can be so difficult. Unlike in our youth, unlike for our parents, when you could see someone on a regular basis and make a judgment. However, with online dating you see a profile (who knows if its true), you can call and text (who knows if what they say is true), and then you meet them for a few hours.
So, they matched what they had to say about themselves, you have good conversation, laughed and smiled. Second date, great, maybe a third and its wonderful as well. Then what?
This is the dilemma of online dating ( maybe just dating in general these days) Many online daters are doing this with multiple people. And you are weighing options in your mind.
Now I will be fair and say I am sure women must be more cautious – is he just being nice because he wants to get some and the second he does he disappears. Truth is there are quite a few guys like that.
But here are some of the dances many daters go through with their dates, and I have been these and been the receiver as well:
You meet and someone is great, but they just don’t grab your attention – you don’t have the heart to tell them so you hope if you ignore them long enough they will disappear, or hope they will lose interest after awhile if you don’t call or message them or you continue to be nice but are “too busy” right now.
You meet someone and maybe after a few dates you sleep together. Maybe even a few more times too… but then you learn more about them and that same “like” you had for them isn’t there – you don’t have the heart to tell them so you hope if you ignore them long enough they will disappear, or hope they will lose interest after awhile if you don’t call or message them or you continue to be nice but are “too busy” right now.
You meet someone, and they are pretty cool, but there is something missing. However, maybe you can get past that. You keep dating them, but also date others. You eventually meet someone else . – you don’t have the heart to tell them so you hope if you ignore them long enough they will disappear, or hope they will lose interest after awhile if you don’t call or message them or you continue to be nice but are “too busy” right now.
I could give more examples, but the result is the same. This is the part that has bothered me the most about myself, and others. Why are we cowards in these situations? Online dating has exposed the coward in me, and shown the lack of courage others have in doing the simple “You’re really nice, but I think we would be best as friends” Or something along those line. I now do this, and I feel much better as a person and feel others appreciate it as well.
I think the problem in many of these situations is time. It takes time to get to know someone and judge if he or she could be a potential partner.
I feel like this could work online, but everyone dates differently. The ideal way to date online for me would be to correspond through emails a bit and get to know each other, maybe text a bit, and even call. First date if the chemistry feels good, then time is taken to get to know each other, and just one another. I feel like others can be distracting.
But not everyone dates like that, especially these days. If I date like this, but the person I am dating does not, then I don’t have the attention I am giving to her, and that makes for an uneven situation.
So. Yes. I am done with online dating. I don’t know where you are in your online dating journey, so I hope you do not make those same mistakes I did. Don’t waste other’s time and energy, and be open and honest with others. Maybe your experience will be better!